I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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