She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My bed smells like the plague
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