I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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