You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
