Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
