Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
