I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
