Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
