so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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