Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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