It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
