I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
whose parrot is this?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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