Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
