It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
