she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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