I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
