Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
