he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
