Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
