just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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