if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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