How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
