What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
