I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
