Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
