I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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