Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
