And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
