is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize