I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
