oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
