dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
These tits shall not be calmed
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
