If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
