i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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