at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
