You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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