you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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