1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
