I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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