I am puke
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
