so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
