Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize