somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
