the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
