were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
