the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
