i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
