I just threw up on my dentist
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
