you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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