So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Randomize
