I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
