i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
