He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
