i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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