I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
