apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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