I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
