So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
