There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
