you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
