First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
