We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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